Dance

There's something very important that if you know me, you need to know. And that is I have to insufferable need to dance. It is one of the only things on this earth that makes me feel sane enough to survive daily life. It makes me feel like I'm a normal, whole human being. Not just this weird angular amalgamation of body parts that goes about it's daily life fairly awkwardly. Dance is everything to me, it's how I can accurately describe what I'm feeling and exactly how I'm feeling it. That sounds so cliche, but it's the truth. Without dance I would be the pressurized tank of emotion, exploding every so often because there's no appropriate outlet. If I suddenly couldn't dance, I honestly don't know what I'd do. Dancing makes me feel...accurate. If that makes any sense. It's me in it's purest, elemental form. It's a non harmful way of controlling everything that I want to control. It's my own little world that my body possesses. And sure, it's also beautiful and magical and takes so much effort. I'm proud to be a dancer. To make things look easier than they actually are.
 I'm so....invested in dancing. And not even like formal dancing. I don't need to have a leotard and tights on, or to have my hair in a bun. Even if it's just in my kitchen and I'm swaying back and forth, or if Mr.Darcy grabs me and pulls me tight. Anything that connects me with motion and music is so sacred. It's something I know I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life, and I love that.

College

Yes. I am in college. Yes. It is the scariest thing that I've ever done in my entire life. No. I wouldn't give this up. People are so concerned nowadays with "is college worth it?". All they can think about is if they're going to get a job after the fact and is all the student debt worth it and this and that. I don't understand why people can't look past that to see what else they're actually gaining. Even if you go to college in your hometown like some people I know, you are taking a step to independence. You can't go to your parents downstairs and ask for money or to take the car out for a couple hours, they aren't there watching over your shoulder either. You learn that you have to make decisions for yourself, that you need time management skills in order to function sanely. You can't just stay up until 4 in the morning playing video games or surfing the internet. 
At the same time it's crazy, in high school, you feel a kind of specialness to you. As soon as you're in college, that little edge you had goes away completely, there are hundreds of people just like you. And that, let me tell you, is one of the most unnerving things on the face of the planet. You still find your little niche though, and all that fear becomes manageable. You find those people you'll be close to for the rest of your life. You learn people skills because I promise you, no matter how long you're there, you'll see someone you've never seen before every day. Every. Day. 
So is college worth it? Yes. We don't just go to learn more stuff and get a degree to get a job. We go to find ourselves and learn how to survive on our own. And that's priceless.

Apologies

Apologies are tricky when you think about it. You have to do so much to ensure that the other person knows that you mean what you are saying. You can't say it too much otherwise the words tend to lose meaning and you have to actually grow from the apology. You can't just say it and then not change. 
I don't know, meaning something that often gets said a lot is one of the most difficult things about apologizing. You have to not sound patronizing or condescending and did I mention you have to mean it? I'm currently in the process of apologizing to my love, and I'm not sure how it's going. I don't know if he believes me, or if I've said it too much and that scares me. I guess all I can do is wait. That's the other thing about apologies, if the other person doesn't accept it, you're back at square one. Which sucks. This is literally the most incoherent thing I've written thus far, and it's most likely because it reflects my mind right now. Will try to collect my thoughts about life so this doesn't become a confusing mess.

Double-Edged Sword

I love metaphors so it's metaphor time. What if love were a sword? To me, if it were, the two natural edges would be happiness, and all the emotions that come with it and sadness with the same. You couldn't have one without the other, they both are integral to the central theme. One you would say is a tool, the other a weapon. In any case, the weird thing about it is, why is it, when there can be so much love and happiness, why does there have to be an equal amount of sadness. It seems to me that if you had one the other would diminish. Doesn't work out that way though. Seems more like the more one grows, the larger the capacity the other one has as well. Which really sucks when you think about it. That the thing that can make you the happiest can conversely also make you the saddest. Can make you the sanest and the craziest. A paradoxical conundrum if you will. 
Beyond that, what fascinates me that most is that we don't care. We'd do anything for love, including widening the sadness threshold to a terrifying size, just because those moments of insane happiness make it all worthwhile. No wonder people say we are all fools in love, that it is a madness. But alas, I can't really say much of anything to disagree with any of those statements. Being in love myself, I would rather fight with my love every day than fake being happy with anyone else. I live for the happy times and am more than willing to embrace the sadness along with the happy. 

Safe House

This word has kinda been weighing on me all morning. How it's definition doesn't really doesn't describe me exactly the way I want. But the name 'makes-people-feel-safe-when-I'm-with-them' house doesn't roll off the tongue as much. The problem with being a safe house is that you're making a sort of promise to people. To be there always, to listen to whatever they have to say with no judgement and complete understanding. And the thing is, I love being that for people. I love that I can befriend anyone from just about anywhere and understand where they come from. That even if I've never been through their exact situation I can empathize with them. Everyone deserves that I think. Someone that's never going to leave them, that really good friend. I don't know. Maybe I'm just selfish that way.
Doesn't sound like much of a problem until you have to break the promise, or hold off on that promise for a little while. Trust can't be stretched or bent. It can only be broken. And you can only do so much to assure the person that you won't break it. I don't want to be a crutch for anyone, but I do like making people feel better. That's just me. And I'd hate for my absence to detrimentally affect someone (or affect someone at all for that matter) thought that is extremely pretentious of me to think. My hope is that my soul stays intact and that I can keep as many people in my safe house as possible.

Feelings

Feelings are so odd. we have them every second of every day, sometimes I don't think we even realize it. This is the 21st year of my life, and I'm just now thinking about it. We can be consumed by one are awash with many all at once. Why is that? That's so complicated and unnerving and interesting and confusing and...well that's four feelings right there. Why am I even writing this? Why does any girl write about her feelings. Ha. Of course there's a boy. My Mr.Darcy. I am so grateful for him. The sole cause of so many of my good feelings. But today, today there were so many feelings, and none of them good. 
I royally screwed up.
 And I need somewhere, someplace that I can put my mind down and feel like nobody and everybody cares all at once. And what better place for that than the internet? My own personal pensieve. So here is my proposal, my belated resolution if you will. Every day, I will write something here. Empty my mind of this thing, something, anything that I need to get my mind off of. I'll put it out in the universe and maybe someone will see it, maybe no one will see it. But on the off chance of the earlier, maybe, just maybe it'll help someone get through their day. I guess this will be my bit of daily inspiration. All the beauty and pain that inhabits my brain...mind...haha. I'll try to rhyme as little as possible. I have to believe that I'm a good person. And that good things will happen. You have to, too.